they dont teach you this in school

i started to go into "false labor" the first of sept. but was sent home not once not twice but three times, finally at our appointment on sept 16th the dr told me how my pelvis is misshapen and narrow and the only way i was going to deliver her that way is if my pelvis broke, he then asked what we wold like to do? he also asked us the how many children we wanted? which i know i had laughed and said i only wanted one but when you are faced with the thought and process of this is it, its heartbreaking i remember crying in the office and apologizing to devin i felt like i was a failure, i knew he wanted kids plural not kid and since he picked me this would be it.
we talked about it and decided that a c-section was the best option for us he scheduled it for 8:00 a.m. the next day.
i couldnt sleep at all that night finally at 4:45 i just got up and got ready. my mom went with us to the hospital all  i remember is getting really nervous and watching the clock  before it was time, they came in and put an i.v. in me then dev got suited up and we walked to the operating room they had me sit on this tiny table and gave me a spinal it took 4 tries but finally i was numb oh and youre also naked did i mention that!. i look back now and it went really fast they had dani out in like a few minutes, the dr kept talking about how gorgeous she is and how big she looked (she was only 7 lbs 15 oz and 21 inches she was born at 9:00 a.m. exactly) and all i remember is her not crying she had swallowed fluid they had to hurry and take her to the nicu dev went with her. they brought her over to me before they let and had me kiss her goodbye she spit on me i remember thinking i hope she makes it cause i will feel awful if the only memory i have is being grossed out by her cause she spit on me. they wheeled me back to my room where my mom was. and i started to puke, that was gross.


it took a few hours before i could see her and then i could only touch her foot it broke my heart i didnt get to hold her until almost midnight. i remember holding her and feeling so surreal like she is mine mine i dont have to give her back to anyone, i made her, it was the best feeling i had ever had. she was still hooked up to machines and her poor foot had a big i.v. in it but she was happy she opened her eyes like she knew i was her mom it was the best feeling in the world.

the next day was my 25th birthday, i had to laugh at how many times people would tell me oh you got the best birthday present and in all honesty i did but it sucks being in the hospital on your birthday especially when "your present" is on the other side of the hospital and you cant walk well. also that night dev got sick and had to leave so it was pretty crappy being alone and unable to go see her.


she stayed in the nicu for 4 days on monday night they brought her into our room, it was weird at first cause it was like oh thats right we had a baby and we have to take care of her. the next morning we went home.

no one ever tells you how overwhelming a baby is you get no sleep and especially no time to even just be alone its banana sandwich crazy.