some days i count my blessings twice

time... its a funny thing i look back now and think WOW if you would have told me ten years ago, heck 5 years ago this is where i'd be i wouldnt have believed you but i am so thankful im here i have so much more than i ever thought worthy of, and since this is the time of year that makes me remember all that i have, i thought i'd write about it what im thankful for..

first-----my parents--- im an only child so in lamens terms that means  i had no one in my house hold to blame anything on, it sucks looking back but the greatest thing about being an only child is you dont have to share, your parents that is, i know that sounds selfish and it i,s i would love to share but since i dont have to i wont, i will however share anything else.
my parents are amazing they are the two most in love people i have ever known they have that "perfect" marriage the kind where you just hate those two people, yep thats them but i dont hate it. i loved growing up knowing my parents were so happy they gave me a great example of what i needed and deserved in a spouse, how to be a good person and accept everyone just as they are, and most of all they have taught me unconditional love. trust me i know they love me it took a couple of years and a lot of mistakes to make up for but they never left my side i have put them through a lot more than they should have had to put up with but they did and they did it every day and their love never changed, it never went away they were always there to help me pick up the pieces.
my mom always told me i wish you could learn from my mistakes but you can't, so you'll have to make your own, but you'll always be loved thats why its called unconditional love.
and believe me i made mistakes i dont have to go into details they are in the past and im one of those people that like keeping certain memories buried, but what i will always remember is they were there when no one else was. you know friends will come and go but your family will always be there and i know that for a fact.

second ----my love devin----you know i dont believe in love at first sight, i dont believe in soul mates but i knew the moment i met dev i would never be the same. I met dev on may 15th, 2006 i know creepy i know the exact date but thats only because thats the day my work started their remodel, a few months prior to meeting dev i had broken up with someone i had been seeing on and off for over 2 years and because of that train wreck of a "thing" i swore i wouldnt be marrying let alone dating exclusively for a long time, i had also slumped into a deep depression I honestly couldnt remember how long it had been since i was truly happy, then it happened i walked into work and met him, this tall red headed kid who was happy and funny.
he was there at the pharmacy helping out over the summer to save up to go back to school in the fall so he was temporary help. he was the kind of guy i instantly wanted to impress, but i was in a slump i wasn't friendly nor as outgoing as i once was, so i tried.
he made me laugh that first day and i remember feeling so happy after i had gotten out of work even though it had been such a crappy day at work.
i found myself staying late picking up extra shifts just to see him, just to work with him. i even came in and helped set up the pharmacy over night just to be with him. and that night we got finished at 2 a.m. then went to denny's for breakfast. i know this sounds like everything is going great but there was one minor detail i have left out he had a girlfriend, yep, but if it makes you feel any better he didnt like her, yeah dev has told me that phrase so many times just to make me feel better, it didnt make me feel any better.
 soon after dev took me on our first official date, he took me out so that i would pick up a shift at work cause he didnt like the girl who's shift it was, so he offered to take me to dinner if i worked it, so i did, he took me to a thai restaurant it was okay all i remember is making a mess cause you had to eat with your hands and feeling stupid cause it was gross and sticky.
after that we became friends i saw him daily, we talked about everything he reminded me of well me, he wasnt anything like i had ever dated he was wonderful he treated me great, and for once in a long time i was happy, then it came time for him to leave to go back to school, and since we were "just friends" nothing more cause thats what he wanted he told me constantly were just friends right? and of course i agreed, he left the end of august i remember cause i took im over a box of treats and told him it was so he wouldnt forget me. i remember crying on the car ride home, silly i know i look back now and am very embarrassed, cause i cried, stupid me, but you have to remember he had become my best friend.
i talked to him every night and every other weekend he came up to work a shift and i would see him after he got off, and every so often i went down to ephraim and visited him. then in november we had decided maybe we weren't just friends he came down for break and a week later we were official and a few days after that engaged it wasnt this overly romantic or surprise actually he was holding the door open for me and said you know were going to have cute kids someday and i joked and said oh dev do you want to marry me. then later that night he said yeah i do want to marry you and so it was.
its not a romantic story but its a true story, my story and im so thankful for it, im thankful for him that every day despite what i look like or feel like when i get up he loves me he tells me how pretty i am and how happy i make him, i love that every day i will laugh at least once usually more but at least once i love that no matter how stupid or gross the joke is he knows i will love it.
i love it cause he's my best friend every day, i get to spend with him is more than i deserve.


third----dani----aka peanut i never thoughti wanted to be a mom, that sounds bad let me rephrase i never knew i wanted to be a mom then i became one, i knew dani was a girl from the moment i knew i was pregnant and i talked to her all the time i remember being pregnant and i thought she could hear my thoughts stupid i know, but i did. dont get me wrong some days its hard i get depressed, overwhelmed, and cry for no reason but then i see her and she smiles and it makes it better. she is innocent she is the best part of me i could give, the unselfish part, everyday i am amazed by her shes so smart and curious and loving. she doesnt have a bad bone in her she hasnt been tainted with the world yet and im thankful for that i remember how much it sucked being a kid i remember getting teased and i remember getting my feelings hurt and when you're young it destroys your world, and thats why im thankful she hasnt had heart ache yet, shes beautiful.
shes mine i knew it the moment i saw her i saw me in her and that scared me i never realized i could love something so instantly, i would and will do anything for her shes mine and she always will be and for that i am thankful.

peanut's first christmas

me and dev are just like kids still we love staying up late and on christmas we get up early, even though we knew what we were getting. we got peanut up at 7:30 a.m. and i carried her down the stairs to see the tree and all the gifts santa had left her eyes lit up and she did say oooo but then got hungry and fell asleep, an hour later my mom and dad and grandma came over to open presents with us. and lets face it anytime my mom and dad can they come over to see peanut the love her so much if she wasnt my baby i might be a little jealous.
all in all it was a fantastical christmas i was excited all night long to get up and just see how peanut would react. dev held her and opened her gifts for her she made it through 5 presents before she fell asleep. adorable.

at 10:30 we went to devs parents so that dev could talk to his brother who is on a mission in kentucky, it was a short phone call but i know it meant alot to dev he misses his brother alot and its weird that our lives have changed so much since he has left i was only 3 months pregnant when he left and peanut will be a year and a half when he returns crazy!

after that we came home and took naps it was a glorious christmas!

tis the season

peanut went and got pictures taken on the 15th of december they turned out adorable the photographer was fantastic with her and the place was great its called fotofly its in draper and its one of those places that as soon as i walked in i thought im not cool enough to be here, but the were so inviting and nice.

christmas is now only 3 days away and for the first time in a long time im really excited, its exciting to have a reason to do christmas, i know peanut will never remember this and she wont get to actually open gifts but i am excited its her first christmas.

peanut has also been so happy lately, not that shes not perfect, she just been extra happy, every morning she wakes up just smiling, looking around, and making noises. its adorable i do have to laugh especially when i see other peoples babies who are her age and she looks like a 1 year old not a 3 month old even the lady who took her pictures did a double take when i said shes 3 months old, but she big and beautiful and healthy thats all i need from her she loves to sit up and look at the pictures in her mickey mouse books, she lovs it when you stick out your tongue at her cause she can do that too. she is starting to like being tickled and loves beastie she likes to grab beasties fur which i feel bad and try to stop her cause i dont think it is that great for beast but beastie loves her so much she just sits there and lets her. she loves looking at the christmas tree when we turn on the lights she looks at it and says ooooh, shes also developed a fake cough and everytime she coughs me and dev go oh thats a bad cough poor baby and she smiles.
shes also sleeping through the night its wonderful she goes to bed about 9-10 p.m. and wakes up between 7:30-9 a.m. i love it so does dev. all in all shes perfect i couldn't have asked for more or better me and dev have a lot to be thankful for this year she's the best present I've ever made

a blessing and a virus

on sunday decemeber 5th peanut was blessed it was at 9:00 a.m. it was really nice to have all of our family and friends there and that everything went off without a hitch, my family came up from Fillmore and devs came from around town, i know dev was really nervous to do the blessing but he did fantastic, i had to laugh though as we were waiting for our turn t bless peanut cause there were 2 other blessings that day, i just kept telling dev health, education , love, those our what we thought was the most important for her. it was weird talking to dev about what he wanted to say i hadn't thought out loud exactly what my hopes were for peanut except that in the long run no matter what her choices are i just want her to be happy.
after the blessing everyone came over to our house to eat, it was really nice to have everyone at our house, even though it was stressful in planning and cleaning it was nice to have everyone there.

so wednesday we found out peanut has rsv it wasnt what we wanted to hear but so far shes doing good we have to do breathing treatments 3 times a day and suction out her nose consistently but as bad as all that sounds she is really happy she always has a smile and is still eating well, so hopefully we caught it early and she wont have to be hospitalized.

dani loves "the boys"

so it has now been three days that i have been back to work and even though it has been some of the busiest days at work i am glad im back, its nice to get back to a "normal" even though every minute i have to think, i think of peanut and feel guilty cause im not with her.
on mondays and fridays my mom pick her up and on thursdays i pick her up devs off tuesdays and im off wednesdays so it works out really well for us, she is babysat by melissa, who is super mom shes one of those moms who does cute projects, loves kids, and in my opinion was made to be just this super great mom, im jealous of her, she has 3 boys who are so adorable. the first night my mom picked her up she called me to let me know that she had peanut and she was so happy. my mom told me she played with the boys and she had so much fun and still even now if you look at peanut and say did you play with the boys today she gets this huge grin on her face and giggles. it melts my heart.
a weird fact is i too grew up in that house with the boys, of course that was twenty years ago but when my parents built our house the people that lived there then were "the boys". they were my best friends growing up, we are still friends to this day just now grown up with babies of our own. i so hope the same for peanut cause it was great having kids my own age to play with. 

im so thankful for melissa even today on the ride home from work i started to think back to when i was still pregnant and how worried me and dev were about what we were going to do for daycare, it has worked out better than i could have ever hoped for.

peanuts first thanksgiving and etc.

peanuts new favorite thing to do now is stick out her tongue and blow bubbles, she also likes to rub the back of her head back and forth, she will lay on her blanket and turn her head from side to side and then gets this huge grin on her face. she also likes to sit up and rub her head on the couch, she is also starting to giggle more. 

it was funny at thanksgiving my grandma just kept saying oh shes really good like sooo good and i felt so proud to keep saying yeah she is.  we had my grandma, aunt, and cousin come to our house with my parents for thanksgiving it was nice to have everyone around for the holiday, it was especially nice to have something more to be thankful for,.... peanut, i know it hasn't been easy some days but i know i would never change a thing i would do it all again, shes worth it. not only is she the best baby, shes my baby. i know she is supposed to be mine and im supposed to be her mom, theres no other kid out there i would love like i love her.

she is also sleeping through the night from about 10:30-11:00 to 7:30-8:00 a.m. its been fantastic i finally feel semi-normal again.

so its now the night before i go back to work and it scares me to death, i worry about leaving peanut, about not being able to handle work, and if this is whats best for us.
i know financially for us, this has to happen but its still hard to do, there's one part of me thats so glad to get back to my "old life" and another thats used to staying home. seeing her every morning waking up and staying with her all day and waiting for dev to come home. then i remember how i want to go back and how bored i get when she naps and i have nothing to do, or how i cant even go out to the store anymore without packing like were going on a week long trip. so hopefully all goes well.

what to be today Peniguin or monkey?

i had bought peanut the penguin costume pretty much the moment i thought i was pregnant, i got it at smiths marketplace for like a dollar it was on a reduced rack and they were practically giving it away, i also had to beg dev to buy it he kept saying i dont know who you're buying that for? i convinced him i needed it.

now flash forward to two weeks before her first Halloween and even though it was the perfect size for her for halloween devin still wanted to go out and buy another costume  for her, he told me it was because he wanted to pick it out together he also said he didn't remember when we bought it so we went out and looked. we went to every childrens store we could think of finally at the last store we found a monkey costume for sizes  0-6 months it was still big on her but it was the closest thing we could find.

so on Halloween we first went to lunch with our bestest friends and then went home to get her ready, when we got the monkey costume on her it was still really big but i didn't say anything we took her over to my parents to get pictures with gamma and gampa, (this is how my mother now refers to herself and i cant judge cause peanuts so little and even by the time she will be able to talk grandma and grandpa vorwaller is really hard to say) back to the point, the monkey costume was so big you could only see her eyes poking out and it was hot on her so we took pics and then took it off, finally i told dev will you just run back to our house and get the penguin costume. he did and it fit perfectly like it was made for her and it looked so cute i loved it and since it was kind of cooler out side and it was fleece she didn't have to wear anything bulky underneath to keep her warm. i think she must have known she was cute in it to cause she kept looking around and smiling and yelling. we then took her to devs parents to get pics we got some with grandma and grandpa and even some with great grandma and of course peanut and our nephew teagan, he was woody from toy story.

the pictures we took with teagan and peanut are the cutest to me, they melt my heart, i have a very special place in my heart for teagan, being as i have no siblings i have no chance of having nieces or nephews on my side, so when teagan was born it was really cool especially since the older he got the more fun he is to me. hes a very fun kid and smart, sometimes so smart its scary.
while i was pregnant with peanut he would sit by me on the couch and put his hand on my stomach and every time peanut would kick like crazy, teagan would say thats baby peanut, once he even said ouch she kicked me it was hilarious, even now when teagan sees her he says hey thats peanut baby peanut.

this is the crap that needs to be cut

the first day alone with peanut (i mean like really alone dev was at work no one came over) was kinda scary i kept thinking am i doing everything right should she sleep this long should i wake her up to eat (yeah i know now if shes not awake dont wake her) i also remember talking to our dog beastmaster i know she wont talk but she is pretty much one of my bestest friends, it may sound dumb to some but shes my first baby i got her as an early birthday present a month after we were first married and i loved her the moment  met her i knew she was my dog. and she is the best dog (in my opinion) she laid next to me all through bed rest, she is excited to see me when ever i walk through the door, she even gained weight with me throughout my pregnancy. now if that isnt sacrifice i dont know what is. beastie is very protective of peanut, she cries when peanut cries, she loves just sitting by her shes always trying to be as close as she can to peanut. even the other day she tried to play catch with her she went and got her toy and brought it back and put the toy in peanuts hand then nudged her hand it was hilarious, i guess she thought it was time to teach peanut to play catch.

i know every parent thinks their kid is the smartest, so being peanuts mom she is the smartest to me, i also think she is judgmental i know shes not but sometimes the way she looks at me i think shes judging me, she gets this face of like oh really? it mostly happens when i talk to her in a child like tone, i first noticed it when she was about two weeks i would ask her if she was hungry or something like that she would then give me this why are you asking like that, thats not your real voice cut the crap, so i did. as soon as i started talking to her normally the more she enjoyed it, i will say one thing though i am offended at the fact she lets everyone else talk to her like that she even gets excited when others do it, but not mom.

a few weeks later dev was about to change peanut she started to cry and wail and get really upset he sat her down on our bed and held up a clean diaper and said im just gonna change your diaper its okay baby, to which she looked at him and said "o" then quieted down, dev immediately looked at me and said did you hear that? she also likes to make sounds that sound like yeah and hmmm but o seems to be her favorite.

oh crap! we have to take care of her now?

the first day home was a blur. all i remember is driving home and stopping to get chick-fil-a in the drive thru for lunch. the whole ride home all i could thing is oh crap were on our own now we have to take care of her. (cause to be honest i hated her being in the nicu but it was nice knowing she had the best care from the nicest nurses and to not worry even though i worried and didnt sleep)

the first few days went by so fast i was really sore and pretty much exhausted i am so thankful for everyone that came over and helped and just visited i was also thankful my husband was with me. again no one tells you about the hard part of children its fun and cute but as fun and cute as peanut is she is kinda overwhelming at times.

nine days after i had her i had a glitch we left peanut with my parents and went to the e.r. after 2 hours of waiting and thinking i was dying and never going to see peanut again. we found out i had a seroma in my incision (its a build up of fluid, its not infection its just not good either) so they had to pack it then i had to see my dr the next day. and i did, he opened my incision and that day we found out dev would have to pack it for me twice a day until it healed oh another tidbit they dont numb you when they do any of this and it was the worst pain of my life). gross i know trust me it was me it was happening to i can just imagine how bad it was for dev. i guess i have to realize Ive definitely got a keeper.

ladies you know a man loves you when he will perform a medical procedure on you twice a day and still tell you he finds you attractive. (i know im lucky). the next week dev took a day off to help me and my mom came over at night. my mother in law also came one day and brought me lunch and fed peanut while i ate and cleaned my kitchen it was soooo nice. i am so thankful for everyone that helped me those first days it was very helpful and it made it less lonely cause when you have a baby you feel lonely even though you are never alone!!

they dont teach you this in school

i started to go into "false labor" the first of sept. but was sent home not once not twice but three times, finally at our appointment on sept 16th the dr told me how my pelvis is misshapen and narrow and the only way i was going to deliver her that way is if my pelvis broke, he then asked what we wold like to do? he also asked us the how many children we wanted? which i know i had laughed and said i only wanted one but when you are faced with the thought and process of this is it, its heartbreaking i remember crying in the office and apologizing to devin i felt like i was a failure, i knew he wanted kids plural not kid and since he picked me this would be it.
we talked about it and decided that a c-section was the best option for us he scheduled it for 8:00 a.m. the next day.
i couldnt sleep at all that night finally at 4:45 i just got up and got ready. my mom went with us to the hospital all  i remember is getting really nervous and watching the clock  before it was time, they came in and put an i.v. in me then dev got suited up and we walked to the operating room they had me sit on this tiny table and gave me a spinal it took 4 tries but finally i was numb oh and youre also naked did i mention that!. i look back now and it went really fast they had dani out in like a few minutes, the dr kept talking about how gorgeous she is and how big she looked (she was only 7 lbs 15 oz and 21 inches she was born at 9:00 a.m. exactly) and all i remember is her not crying she had swallowed fluid they had to hurry and take her to the nicu dev went with her. they brought her over to me before they let and had me kiss her goodbye she spit on me i remember thinking i hope she makes it cause i will feel awful if the only memory i have is being grossed out by her cause she spit on me. they wheeled me back to my room where my mom was. and i started to puke, that was gross.


it took a few hours before i could see her and then i could only touch her foot it broke my heart i didnt get to hold her until almost midnight. i remember holding her and feeling so surreal like she is mine mine i dont have to give her back to anyone, i made her, it was the best feeling i had ever had. she was still hooked up to machines and her poor foot had a big i.v. in it but she was happy she opened her eyes like she knew i was her mom it was the best feeling in the world.

the next day was my 25th birthday, i had to laugh at how many times people would tell me oh you got the best birthday present and in all honesty i did but it sucks being in the hospital on your birthday especially when "your present" is on the other side of the hospital and you cant walk well. also that night dev got sick and had to leave so it was pretty crappy being alone and unable to go see her.


she stayed in the nicu for 4 days on monday night they brought her into our room, it was weird at first cause it was like oh thats right we had a baby and we have to take care of her. the next morning we went home.

no one ever tells you how overwhelming a baby is you get no sleep and especially no time to even just be alone its banana sandwich crazy.

the longest time of my life

At our 24 week ultrasound is when we found out dani had fluid around  her left kidney, actually i found out alone and called devin upset. he met me at home.

the next few weeks had us going to the dr's on a weekly bases to check her growth and the fluid i then developed pre-eclampsia and had to be put on bed rest in june. (june 14th to be exact.)
bed rest sucked it was a waste of days were i felt miserable and my only way of leaving the house was to go to the dr's two to three times a week. and every week was different one week she was going to come early the next we would wait it out, it was the longest 4 months of my life.

mid august we were told everything was starting to turn around and that he would let me go to my original due date of oct. 1, i know this sounds bad but at that moment its not what i wanted to hear. i was so mentally and emotionally prepared for her to come early that it was a disappointment to hear that, and i was told by hundreds of people "oh how great its better if she is still in there" but to be honest you have no clue what its like to go back and forth and back and forth you get to a point where youre done and i mean sooo done.

so thats what that is

we found out she was a girl in february, we actually found out really early what the sex was i remember the dr turning to dev and saying congrats dad its a girl. and he just sat there for a minute and said well its a girl! he also insisted at that very moment he had to buy her a dress her first dress to be exact and he did. my reaction was to cry, i know stupid right, but i had always known i would have a girl. not much more happened in february we both worked and continued to go to the dr. appointments


we moved in mid march, it rained that day and all i really remember thinking is we have too much crap.

the pee is dry.

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with dani, we still lived in our bottom floor apartment and dev was just about to leave to work. in the month leading up to this i had taken over 200 dollars worth of pregnancy tests, i had a negative in every brand known to man and in every color might i add, ohh and even digital, it had become so discouraging i gave up, we had already started to have the "maybe kids arent for us talk." when  it happened i received my positive which is all in thanks to dev, cause lets face it im very stubborn and when im done with something IM DONE it takes a lot to convince me otherwise. well he just kept saying over and over i have a really good feeling just take a test and i guess that paid off.
 I was amazed how changed i felt at that minute, even though i know nothing actually changed i was still the same.
i also remember when we first started telling people i was surprised by how many werent as excited as i thought they'd be and others who i thought could care less were really supportive.we also started calling her peanut i got it from swen at work i thought it was so cute and at the time she was the size of a peanut so i thought "and it shall be peanut", and it was.
it took us about a month before we officially had the word out i remember dev telling his mom by writing "THE PEE IS DRY" on a magnadoodle (i know what youre thinking but its because his mom once told us we couldnt keep secrets and that if we were ever to have kids we wouldnt even wait until the pee was dry to tell people.)

 during this same time we were also looking to buy a house, and long story short we bought the house behind my parents i know creepy, weird, and strange all rolled into one and when i say behind i mean litterally in back of my parents house, we share the back wall.